Harry Potter 7

After waiting for about 2 hours to get the book, I have learned this:

Harry is decapitated by Ron who is the robotic servant of Lord Voldemort.

Hermione turns out to be a dude named Jake that becomes pope and sends voldemort and snape to azkaban.

Meanwhile, R.L. Stine seizes this as an opportunity to once again corner the market of children's books and begins by letting loose 50000000000 mutant house-elves lookse upon the world.

Can Optimus Prime and the other Autobots save the world in time, or will the Silver Surfer reign over middle earth?

find out in hp7...and hedwig dies too